On April 8th, Team Sunshine Performance Corp and The Philly Pigeon/Jacob Winterstein are returning to Fringe with the Society of Civil Discourse, a night of heated discussion and raucous debate about topics that don’t matter. In honor of this, we poached member of our staff for their hot takes on various hot-button issues. Our first debate topic is the highly contentious toaster oven vs. microwave.
Toaster Oven vs. Microwave
Microwave: Jason, Institutional Giving Coordinator
The microwave oven will be remembered as one of the great, period-defining inventions of its time, like the cell phone or the internet. It cooks food quickly, safely, and without fire, and it does it by bombarding it with (harmless) radiation. It vibrates your food until the friction of its own particles causes its temperature to rise; how COOL IS THAT? Are you going to cok the best meal of your life in a microwave oven? No. But it lets you relive those meals by giving your leftovers a second chance at deliciousness! Mom’s famous mac and cheese might have been made in late August, but pop that bad boy in the microwave and you might as well be back in her kitchen, basking in the cheesy warmth. Popcorn, hot chocolate, mug cakes, a host of quick, cheap, and scrumptious treats are in your grasp in mere minutes and with no more effort than plopping it on the tray and pushing a few buttons. Plus, you ever try to defrost a chicken in a toaster oven? *Disclaimer: you shouldn’t do this, it will create a dangerous, disgusting, inedible mess*In short, the microwave is a shining example of humanity’s ability to overcome the limitations of nature, and a testament to our inexorable advancement of reason for the sake of the greater good.
Toaster Oven: Hallie, Communications Director
So let’s talk about cancer. It’s everywhere. It’s in our cell phones, in our cigarettes, in our deodorant. So why, dear ones, WHY would you add it to your perfectly good food? Why choose convenience over your personal health? It’s exactly that ugly impulse that sends you to fast food restaurants, makes you skip the gym, and forces you to choose to watch 27 Dresses for the fifteenth time instead of watching that documentary about mass incarceration that you know you need to see.
Toaster ovens don’t cause cancer. They also don’t sap bread of its moisture, making it hard as a brick and impossible to eat. Toaster ovens allow food to maintain its dignity, to be served as it was intended to be served. They don’t change the chemical makeup of the meal. Ask any chef in the city if they would rather have food rewarmed in a microwave or a toaster oven, and I’m willing to bet my life savings (coming in at roughly $400) that they would take their leftovers from a toaster oven every time. EVERY. TIME.