This is the true story of Nigel Bruce Hancock, judge for the reality dance show Kill Me Now, in his own words. Yes, he does refer to himself in the third person. Nigel’s story is sad and depraved, and we can’t take responsibility for its content, nor can we assume any liability here. Honestly, we can’t even confirm it’s true. But really, what is truth anyway? If you want, you can learn more about Nigel at his Facebook page, but after reading this, make sure you really want to . . .

Full name is Nigel Bruce Hancock. Born: September 23, 1957. Nigel was born into a large and bustling family, he had 11 older sisters. Nigel’s father died in a tragic accident when Nigel was just reaching puberty. As you can imagine Nigel as the youngest and only boy he was always getting into mischief! He was often found hiding in one of the sister’s closet as they got dressed or rummaging among their undergarments! What a rascal! Early on, Nigel discovered he had a talent for judging. He was always telling his mother and sisters what they should be wearing and which outfit brought out their best attributes. After being home schooled, Nigel’s mother forced him to enlist in the Army, but unfortunately for Nigel he wasn’t allowed to stay after boot camp!

Nigel then attended UCLA as an undergraduate, received a B.A. in 1982 in art history, and then attended Oxford as a graduate student in literature, but was asked to leave due to . . . let’s call it a visa issue. Nigel returned to Los Angeles, and worked as an extra in the movie business. He was being groomed for stardom by one of the great Hollywood producers Sid [last name redacted], who said, “This boy Nigel has one of the greatest talents I’ve ever seen! And I mean ever! In my entire life! It is an amazingly huge great talent! Enormous! Fabulous! Great amazing enormous fabulous talents!!!”

After the jump: lawsuits, affairs, and worldwide judgment.

But just before Nigel ever got the chance to show his great talent, Sid [last name redacted] had a horrible gardening accident and fell off a cliff, leaving everything in his will to Nigel. After a lengthy court battle with Sid’s family, Nigel was awarded everything and began his career in Hollywood!

Disillusioned with acting, Nigel started his own talent agency, discovering, amongst many, the very beautiful and young Cheryl Ladd of Charlie’s Angels fame after one of her appearances on the Andy Williams show. There was a small threat of a lawsuit that was later dropped, and Ladd got a new agent. Nigel was disgusted with the cutthroat values of Hollywood and decided to move.

Nigel then returned to London. It was the era of the Punks and New Wavers, Nigel fit right in! Who would have thought that a chance meeting in a small nightclub in Soho would lead not only to a short-lived affair with Melanie Stewart, but also to a lasting friendship! Melanie was just starting her journey as a dancer and choreographer and Nigel knew immediately that she would go places. While Melanie choreographed an ill-fated music video for the Sex Pistols, Nigel was right there taking pictures of Melanie and guitarist Steve Jones’ short lived love affair. [Apparently, Nigel sometimes also sat in on drums. – Ed.]

Rumor has it that Jones broke off the affair after discovering Stewart’s past life as a man, but this has never been proven. Stewart quickly returned stateside, and Nigel worked briefly with Malcolm McClaren with his new band Bow Wow Wow, but was forced to leave again because of “visa issues.”

Then, Nigel decided to tour the world, and he encountered different nationalities and cultures that he previously knew nothing about. When Nigel saw Thailand for the first time, Nigel knew that Nigel had found Nigel’s home away from home. Such beautiful people, especially the young men! So feminine, but they still have penises! Who knew??? Nigel stayed on the road for three years, on Nigel’s spiritual awakening.

Exhausted—three years is a long time to be awake—Nigel once again brought Nigel to London, in search of his own musical groups to manage!

The “boy band” era was just beginning, and Nigel certainly knew enough about boys to know where to start! Nigel held innumerable auditions to try find exactly the right “type” of boys to be in his band. Unfortunately no one really ever worked out. Nigel would have two boys that were perfect but then the third and fourth weren’t an exact fit. Saddened but never discouraged Nigel decided to try working with an all-girl group.

It was a wonderful idea! Everyone knows “Girls, Girls, Girls!” as the first all girl group ever to storm the world. They had one top-100 hit in the US with “Stuff Me Up!” and possibly could have lasted longer than three months if Geri Halliwell hadn’t left the group under mysterious circumstances to join The Spice Girls. Halliwell’s lawsuit against Nigel was settled out of court.

Nigel, depressed and angry, decided it was time to head back to the States and, again, begin again. Nigel began to see that the beauty pageant circuit was becoming huge, and decided that he needed to get in on the action! Beginning with smaller pageants in the South, like Miss Mississippi Turnpike and Miss Arkansas Cotton Picker, Nigel was on his way!

Little known fact: Miss Northwestern Georgia Weevil is where Nigel met beloved judge Miss Dixie Crystal, who was a wild little thing prior to finding Jesus! Wowee was she crazy and loose as a goose! Eventually Nigel worked his way up to big league judging: Miss Teen and Mother Universe!

Nigel has really enjoyed the pageant circuit, as those in the business call it, and has been traveling the world judging lots of interesting contests! In Israel, it was Little Miss Kibbutz; in Liberia, Miss What Can You Do With Tulle; in Russia, the Miss Barely Legal Russian (one of his favorite pageants!!!); then in Thailand, the absolutely most special Miss Thai He/She Can you Guess?? Pageant! Oh what a life Nigel leads!

Nigel is known not only for his judging of beauty pageants but also for judging true talent competitions. At one such competition in Nebraska, America’s Heartland Senior Citizens Can Swing!, Nigel met up with his old friend Melanie Stewart! Melanie was there as the choreographer for Pennsylvania’s award winning entry, “Pennsylvania Loves Its Moo-cows and Cluck-clucks!” with 38 Pennsylvania senior citizens dancing their rather saggy asses off! Melanie convinced Nigel to join her on stage for the esteemed Rocky awards and the rest, as they say, is history.

Philadelphia has now become one of Nigel’s favorite places thanks to Melanie Stewart’s Kill Me Now contest. What a joy it is for Nigel to see these young dancers being put through their paces! Wow! How they sweat! Dripping off their lithe and limber bodies! Fabulous.

–Nigel Bruce Hancock

Photo illustrations by Michael T. Roberts.