We thought promoting our former colleague Josh McIlvain‘s 2010 Philly Fringe show, Boat Hole, which has two remaining performances tonight and tomorrow, would be a simple endeavor. But no. After we ran our first interview with him, we quickly removed it after receiving the email below. The saga continues . . .

Dear Nick:

Thanks for your interest in my work, but after consulting with my image consultants, the group has agreed that we need to achieve consistency across platforms and that your platform is, well, wobbly.

Also, I didn’t say any of the things you say I said. At the very least you completely misappropriated my words and did not properly represent the tone. Tonal qualities seemed completely lost on you. Did you know that in Chinese, the word for “potato” at a higher pitch becomes the word for “mashed potatoes?” Think about that.

Kisses!
Josh

Dear Josh:

I’m sorry you didn’t like the piece. I’ve taken it down, but could you please tell me what the precise issues were?

Best,
Nick

After the jump: Clarification!

Dear Nick:

First off, quoting me as saying Stalin was my greatest comedic influence has really cost me in the friend department. What I said was “maudlin,” not Stalin. I love maudlin! I’m bringing it back. Besides, what I admire about Stalin has nothing to do with comedy but everything to do with how he inspired Superman (Man of Steel, duh!) and his abilities on ice. Did you know Stalin did the quadruple toe loop decades before my other hero, Evgeni Plushenko?

Second, you’ve perpetuated a widespread misconception that leaving your family in pursuit of art is bad. Again you missed the tonal qualities of the conversation—if you were a real journalist you would have noticed that I was using a low frequency vocal register there, and that transforms abandoning one’s first wife and child from negative connotations into a positive ones.

Third, the image you used of me disrupts my marketing efforts for Boat Hole. How dare you use a photo of me in my backyard? Someone might find out where I live and ask me for money. I would vastly prefer this one, which is much more handsome.

Fourth, you don’t talk about Boat Hole at ALL. Fifteen short plays that are really funny coming at you bang-bang, that this is a precursor to a run on Broadway.* How we feature Jaeger-drinking pregnant party ladies, foul-mouthed cranes, sleazy clowns, orcas that whore themselves for humans, and regular-joes considering terrorism as a job opportunity.

Fifth, you implied that I steal the work of other playwrights—ha, ha, ha, ha! Whatever! Plus you forgot to mention how I am writing on a new and original full-length play for Philly Fringe 2011 about AIDS and stuff. It’s tentatively titled Angels in America. Catchy, right?

XOXO
Josh

*Allentown’s Broadway, that is—NG. Tomorrow: to the transcripts! Boat Hole runs through September 18 at the Performance Garage, 1515 Brandywine Street, Philadelphia. 7:00 pm each night, $15.

–Nicholas Gilewicz

First photo stolen without permission from Josh McIlvain’s Facebook page, and poorly doctored by Nicholas Gilewicz. Second photo by Josh’s “real” wife.