In this series, get to know the artists of the 2011 Philly Fringe. Leadoff hitter is . . .

Name: James Bradford.

Age: 32.

Where do you live now? South Philly.

Where were you born? St. Louis.

What’s your show title?
James Bradford is . . . Thick!

What was the first thing you stole?
My mother’s womb; but I felt bad, so I gave it back.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage?
I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. My drugs of choice are pizza and cock.

What was the last performance you saw?
Philly’s Phunniest competition with the brilliant Becca Trabin and Carolyn Busa.

What’s your favorite Philly intersection?
Gays and Straights.

If you were a “Founding Father,” which one would you be?
Father MC, because he gave Mary J. Blige her first gig as a backup singer.

Do you care about the Civil War Sesquicentennial?
I don’t appreciate being made to google a word by someone I’m not sleeping with . . .

What’s the worst thing you ever did for money?
Well, I was a male escort for three and a half years—wait, you said the WORST thing. Um . . . I was a receptionist.

Who’s your favorite Phillies player?
LOL! What? Honey, I don’t know . . . the cute one!

Do you have relatives more famous than you?

I am contractually obligated to not discuss this topic, but look for my upcoming episode of “Who Do You Think You Are?” co-starring pop singer Martika . . .

What’s your least favorite country, and why?
I would have to say modern pop-country, because classic country has a lot more soul. Dolly Parton forever!

Do you know what the Internet is?
My personal dating agency.

Do you own a gun?
I don’t even know what I would do if I owned a gun. I would probably paint it lavender, bedazzle it and sell it on Etsy.

Do you have pets?
I have two guinea pigs named cookie and pie, and a fish named Jaleesa. This is not a joke.

If you weren’t an artist, what would your job be?
I would probably go back into escorting, though to be honest it’s going to be a lot harder at age 32 and 280 pounds. I guess I could offer coupons . . .

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen on SEPTA?
What kind of a masochist keeps their eyes open when they’re on SEPTA?!?

James Bradford’s show James Bradford is . . . Thick! will run during the 2011 Philly Fringe. Tix on sale soon!

–Nicholas Gilewicz