The food recipe posts on the Festival Blog seem to get a lot of hits. So what if some people have great recipes to share? So what if I don’t cook? I’m an intellectual. When my man gets home from work, no piping hot meatloaf awaits. Instead, he gets some thought for food.

Sure, he might suffer from scurvy because I don’t cook for him. Whatever, he can eat some Flintstone gummy vitamins. I know he loves them.

I may not know how to crack an egg, but I know how to be an intellectual. And now you can be one too.

Recipe for How to be an Intellectual

Ingredients:

1. The Metamorphosis
2. Anything regarding Damien Hirst
3. Metropolis
4. Finnegan’s Wake
5. Keith Jarrett: The Köln Concert CD
7. Bose headphones

Recipe:

1. Reference The Metamorphosis as much as possible, especially in conversations that have nothing to do with The Metamorphosis.
2. Compare The Metamorphosis to For the Love of God. (Don’t know what For the Love of God is? You’re not an intellectual, sorry!)
3. Enjoy Metropolis.
4. “With Kiss. Kiss Criss. Cross Criss. Kiss Cross. Undo lives ‘end slain” (Right??? Lol!)
5. Every time Keith Jarrett moans during the recording, moan along!
7. When describing Keith Jarrett: The Köln Concert recording, make sure to talk about how listening experience simply isn’t the same when it lacks the awesome dynamic range of your Bose headphones.

And there you have it.

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Good luck, and remember being an intellectual is exactly like The Metamorphosis except instead of a guy dressing as a giant cockroach, you are dressing as an intellectual.

–Lulu Krause