I was thinking that I’d get a maid, find a place nearby for her to stay. Just someone to keep my house clean, fix my meals, and go away. The last time I listened to those lines, I had been up for about 40 hours, because like a young Neil Young, I (apparently) have no idea how to keep my act together. And sadly, it was time spent writing about the death of newspapers, as I live for pleasure alone. I’m a vulture [sob]!

Anyway, sometimes a man, or a woman, needs more than merely one maid. In this case, you can thank Kicking Mule Theater, which is bringing Jean Genet’s The Maids to the opening weekend of the 2012 Philly Fringe. All is ruin! This guy on the right? He plays a maid. After the jump, meet Danny Kevin Ryan.

Name: Danny Kevin Ryan.

Age: 25.

Where were you born? Bloomfield, Michigan.

Where do you live now? New York City.

Show Title: The Maids.

Explain your performance in 2 sentences. To an 8-year-old. Guys playing girls playing maids dressed up as prisoners. Kind of.

Do you have children? If so, do you love them? No. Absolutely not.

What was your favorite toy as a kid? Stretch Armstrong.

What do you love (or hate) most about Philadelphia audiences? That they can tolerate the Eagles.

What would you do if you just inherited a pizzeria? I would join the Irish mob.

Favorite coffee shop? What do you order? Grumpy in NYC. Black Coffee. You ruin it with sugar or milk.

What’s the worst piece of advice you ever received? Did you follow it? Go to Geno’s for a cheese steak. Horrible advice, nothing is better than Pat’s.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen on SEPTA? A whole train was evacuated because of how someone smelled. Oh wait that was on a subway in NYC.

A doctor puts a scope inside your ear. What does she see? Organic Gluten-free Ear Wax.

The Maids runs September 6 through 8 at 8:00 pm, and September 9 at 3:00 pm. Walnut Street Theatre’s Independence Studio on 3, 825 Walnut Street, Center City. $15.

–Nicholas Gilewicz